


==> Be someone other then yourself

by Fandom_Lover_For_Life126



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, Anorexia, Anxiety, Bullying, Character Death, Death, Death from Old Age, Depression, Early Death, F/F, F/M, Immortality, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Sadstuck, even then its like 3 lines, godtier!alpha kids, godtier!beta kids, i got depressed for a few months and made this masterpiece, implied anorexia, like not really mentioned till Jades part, lowkey john / roxy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-11 10:34:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10462926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandom_Lover_For_Life126/pseuds/Fandom_Lover_For_Life126
Summary: How the world before and after the game effects it players and some of the time in between the best moments and the worst.





	1. ==》 Be John Egbert

**Author's Note:**

> I got depressed and worked on this for a few months and I'm finally happy with how it turned out and decided to post it. I won't say don't be sad as you read this, I made it sad for a reason. Any triggers are in the Tags.

Your name is John Egbert and you are about to enter your first class of a Monday morning freshly from homeroom. It’s your English class. You really do enjoy the talks about 1800’s literature and novels of the time. The masters such as Shakespeare and H.P Lovecraft and many others always draw your interest and make your day better even if you get tripped and beaten up every other day or as of lately every day. The bill rings shrill and you bolt out of the room and step into the hallway sticking to the lockers like glue and weave your way through the growing crowds avoiding most people's eyes. Trying to avoid being beaten up before first period and risk missing your favorite class over some more bruises on your ribs or the teasing that had been wearing away at your mind slowly. You still wore your shorts and shirt. The only difference was nowadays you had switched to bring a pair of spare clothing in the case you were beat up and got blood on your white shirt. You still avoid telling your father.

Your about 10 steps away when a voice calls out loud and clear to you, it’s obvious it's directed at you once the old nickname has left the mouth of your childhood tormentors.

"Hey Beaver teeth, how's the dam going?”

A group of boys laughter rings through the hall as they advance behind you. You keep your head down and avoid everyone's gazes as they surround you in a semi-circle backing you into a locker. You still refused to look up not giving them the satisfaction of seeing the fear in your eyes.

"Hey Beaver teeth. I know you heard me. I know you hear me~"

The boy keeps calling out to you trying to draw your head up. To make you look him in the eye. His friends are all laughing and joining in chanting the long overused nickname. The boys voices mix to others in the hall that want to see you with a bruise on your face. Girls and boys, from freshman to seniors are chanting now. Trying to get you to snap. To look up at the boy. Your sure a few teachers are watching. You're also sure none of them care. You close your eyes as the first punch flies to your gut.

When it's all said and done you've been hit 17 times. You have 13 bruises and a cut on your hand and a bloody lip that is swelling by the minute.

After all that you still missed English class.

When your get home you tell your dad you tripped on the stairs today and that in your misfortune you scraped your hand on a pair of haphazardly placed scissors on top of someone's backpack.

You're surprised he still buys the lies.

You know he knows that something is wrong.

You head upstairs and the first thing you notice is a pesterchum message. You drop your bag on the floor and grab a sweatshirt, heading to the bathroom ignoring the messages for the moment. You walk into the room and close the door and lock it behind you. The mirror on the wall is good enough to check your body for the bruises and make sure it was only 13 this time. That it wasn't all 17 of the fists that left a mark on your now always purple stained skin.

You were right the first time. Only 13. This is good news to you seeing as any more than 13 and you'd start to wonder if your brain was damaged and could explain why you're failing math. You find that the pain from moving now days hurts you more mentally than physically. You decide to stop your train of thoughts there as not to dwell anymore. That’s what 3 am exhaustion is for.

You throw your shirt to the side and just slip the sweatshirt over your head, enjoying the breathing room. You're sure one of these days you're going to get a broken rib from all the strifes you're involved in.

You leave the bathroom and make your way slowly into your bedroom. You notice your pester log has new messages in a memo that jade set out for everyone a while back.

You open it.

** GardenGnostic [GG] opened memo **

** [GG] hey! How was school :D **

** EctoBiologist [EB] answered memo **

** TentacleTherapist [TT] answered memo **

** TurntechGodhead [TG] answered memo **

** [EB] lots of fun **

** [TT] Uneventful **

** [TG] boring as hell **

** [GG] aww! I wish I could go to public school with other kids! **

You stop and stare at your computer. Just one more person you have added into you Web of lies about school. You're not sorry for doing it, though, rather save everyone the pain of knowing and doing something stupid and ending you up in a world more of pain. Hoping that jade never goes to school and has this happen to her, hoping that Rose won't go into a protective mother like / psychiatrist mode on you fussing over your bruises and hurt body telling you it's not okay. And Dave trying to teach you through skype how to fight.

You know they mean well but it wouldn't do you any good it would only cause your friends more stress. And you know that but you let it go anyway. You are also sure if you didn't accept those lessons from dave he would sneak down to Washington and beat the shit out of them. Not that you haven't thought about asking him too but you know you don't want that. They'll just come back and hit twice as hard once he’s gone.

You really hope no one notices.

Jade catches you shirtless in your room on the ship in the first few days when she went looking for you to come talk to and get up to date with.She knows they aren't from fighting monsters. God tiers heal fast. She can't understand what they are from. You don't tell her despite her pleas to know.

When you acceded, you did not want the bruises to fade and kept them covering your body to remind you of your life before the game.

She still doesn't understand even after a half drunk confession at 3 am on your next birthday. You tell her every lie you had told her, Rose, Dave and your dad. She still can't understand how people could be so cruel and why you hid it.

You never get the chance to tell Dave or Rose in the new universe.

They never knew and never would.

 


	2. ==》 Be Rose Lalonde

Your name is Rose Lalonde. You’re walking through the school hall between classes. Students part and move at least a foot away as you pass them. None of them dare to touch you. It’s a lonely existence but you don’t mind too much as they don’t understand most of the things you say, to begin with. You keep your head down as you pass them. Pretending to read a book that is opened up on the binders you carry with you. You are all too aware of their eyes on you as you walk.

You spot someone sticking their foot out in a vain attempt to trip you but still trying to keep with the at least a foot away status quo. They wish to trip you. You know they are immature enough to try more than that you side step their foot anyway. You cause a low gasp and flow of murmurs to fill the hallway. A loud voice pierced the hall after a moment of hesitation.

“Better watch out or the big bad goth will put a spell on you!”

You ignore the voice keeping your head down as laughter erupted from the people around you. You cringe. You hate the sound of their laughter. You much prefer John’s stifled snorting laugh or Jade’s purely joyful giggle or dave's stoic smile/snort that cracks under a funny enough joke. The bell rings and people rush around you yet still, no one dares touches you after the little show you just put on for them.

In a weird way you wish they would. A push, a shove, anything really. And if you're being honest with yourself you don't remember the last time someone even touched you or hugged you. You try not to think about it as you walk to math.

When you arrive home later that day you have little to no homework so you head for your computer to talk to Jade, Dave, and John. You pull your laptop from your desk and dodge piles of clothing as you flop on your bed and sprawl out and click the small power button.

As you await your computer’s start up you fiddle with a half-finished knitting project for John and his upcoming birthday. You are thinking of scrapping the idea and buying him something instead.

You haven't decided yet.

Your computer pins about 5 minutes later letting you know that your friends are online.You pull up pesterchum and relax into the familiar rhythm of typing and chatting with your friends.

GardenGnostic [GG] opened memo

**[GG] hey! How was school :D**

**EctoBiologist [EB] answered memo**

**TentacleTherapist [TT] answered memo**

**TurntechGodhead [TG] answered memo**

**[EB] lots of fun**

**[TT] Uneventful**

**[TG] boring as hell**

**[GG] aww! I wish I could go to public school with other kids!**

The first time someone touches you that you now remember is when you enter the game. When you go grimdark and die John kisses you back to life. When you came to, the touch was forgotten except for a light hold on your arm making sure you were okay. 

The feeling is still exceptionally foreign to you, even now.

The next time someone touches you it is Dave. He hugs you after you both attain god tier. You do so privately in your room. 

You both held on much longer than required. 

The third time you are touched is by Kanaya. She holds your hand for the first time and this time the touch does not seem so scary. 

When the game ends you sit down and explain to Kanaya why you sometimes still shy away from her touch after almost falling off a couch rather Ungracefully as she went to touch your shoulder. 

She does not push you to hold hands or even kiss. You are thankful for her but you are sure she still does not grasp how big and drastic the change of no physical contact to small touched and brushes of the shoulder are to you. You hope she never has to understand that feeling in her lifetime. Or that you will one day have to go back to a time without those small reassuring touches. You never want to see that day. 

You never do. 


	3. ==》Be Dave Strider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into Dave's Perspective

Your name is now Dave Strider. You're sitting in your room desperately searching for a clean long sleeve shirt before your Bro walks in and drags you off to school. 

The elastic of your jeans are painfully digging into your very boney hips and abdomen as your lean down and search your closet floor one more time before standing again and sighting as you grab yesterday's shirt and start to slip it over your head as your Bro walks in. 

You yelp and jump behind your door. 

“Knock next time!” 

You think he shakes his head before leaving.

You're glad you grabbed that shirt in time or your day would not be spent at school.

You may have preferred it that way with the day you are about to experience. 

You arrive at school 3 minutes before the first bell for class is meant to ring. You sprint to homeroom and your teacher begrudgingly marks you as here on the attendance sheet. You shoulders sag and relax for all of 30 seconds before you mentally prepared yourself for the rest of the day as the bell rings for first period. 

It’s 20 minutes into first period before the first of the whispers start to spread there the room. Soon after the first pieces of paper are thrown at the back of your head. You don't even flinch as they whiz past your head.

You know your teacher sees it.

When that class finally ends you scurry out of the room half sprinting across the building to your next class trying to act as if you're not running from the group of three boys on the school’s football team. You pass your locker and decide to skip your daily visit in exchange of getting to class early to be in the safe zone of not getting into a fight. You know bro will want to fight later today anyway and you don't need the extra bruises. 

You make it through the growing crowds avoiding most people's out stretched elbows and feet ment to trip or nail you in the ribs before making it to the transition hallway. This one is much quieter and empty. Not the ideal place to be headed with now a 4th football player on your trail.

You attempt to sprint down the hallway and make it halfway before one boy pulls you back by your collar half choking you. 

They drop you at there feet and the boy who pulled you back is laughing along with his cronies. 

You weez for a few seconds before speaking. 

“The fuck you want Andrew?” 

He stops laughing and looks down at you. 

“You know Dave, you aren't fooling anyone with those lame ass shades you freak.“ 

One of Andrew's cronies cackles with laughter and joins in. 

“Yeah let's see those eyes of yours. Mabey even crush those retarded glasses while we're at it. “ 

You scramble back a few feet. ‘shit.’ has become a mantra in your head as you see the boys advance. You can not let your shades come off or get sent to the nurse's office. Neither would fare particularly well for you. 

“Can we continue this after school? Wouldn't want to be stuck in another detention with Mr.Soyer. The guy smells like a walking drug shop. Am I the only one that feels that way?” 

You scramble backwards a little more before getting far enough that you can stand. You watch as the small crowd of 4 boys look at one another and have a half whispered conversation on what to do with you. 

“Fine kid.” The venom in his voice is if nothing but a cold warning to stay away. 

“Afterschool. 4 VS 1. You're not out back by the old playground down the street were gonna make sure you regret it. Now scram.”

At the end of the day you receive 20 bruises, 3 cuts, and what you think is another broken rib after the beating. At least you got to class on time earlier. 

When you enter the house you make a beeline for the bathroom and instantly start your patch up of your skin and start to layer up. You know as soon as you leave the bathroom the note will be sitting on the fridge held up by a flimsy magnet. You can already see the message in your head. 

An hour later and you were not wrong. The note read what it always had and mostly likely always would.

“Bro. Roof. Now.” 

You had gone.

And come back. 

Only with more bruises on top of the previously earned ones. 

You wondered if you needed to go to the hospital with all the damage you’ve taken today. Instead of saying anything and walking the 3 miles to the hospital you log onto your computer and open the pesterchum app client. 

There all there waiting for you once you’ve logged in. 

GardenGnostic [GG] opened memo

[GG] hey! How was school :D

EctoBiologist [EB] answered memo

TentacleTherapist [TT] answered memo

TurntechGodhead [TG] answered memo 

[EB] lots of fun

[TT] Uneventful

[TG] boring as hell

[GG] aww! I wish I could go to public school with other kids!

In the game there is a day where you and Karkat decided to lay in your bed together and cuddle. You were hot and absently decided to put on a tee shirt. The moment Karkat sees your arms and back he whispers your name and stands to hug you. 

You are a god tier but becoming one didn't take the scars away. You think maybe the game doesn't remove self inflicted wounds. Or maybe somewhere in your head you still believe you deserved every scar that lays bare on your hips and wrists. 

You never realized how much damage all those beatings did to your mental health as well as physical. Karkat and Rose show you this. 

When the day came that you and Karkat had to part, you didn't. You stole your own infinite youth to be next to him. 

You are still scared in death that Rose did the same. 


	4. Be Jade Harley ==》

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last look at the aftermath of the game and the damage it causes the kids, who are now no longer small children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fruits of my labors has been delivered, I hope yall like it or at least are somewhat emotionally broken by it cauz I know I was

You wake up in the middle of your empty house in your room. Although you suppose the entire house is yours now day’s. 

It's completely silent and you wish maybe you'd wake to the loud gunshots of target practice, or the clanging noise of pots in the kitchen. It's been years and you're not sure you remember ever hearing any of that in your own home or if they were just wishful thinking.

You go through the motions of the day, feeding Bec, making yourself food for breakfast and lunch, sleeping, going on Internet searches that lead you to earn new facts about the world and tending your garden. You do it all listening to music. There is never a second after you wake that you want to hear silence. 

So you don't. 

Then it's the time your friends gets home from school and you log onto pesterchum and start a new memo just like everyday. 

GardenGnostic [GG] opened memo

[GG] hey! How was school :D

EctoBiologist [EB] answered memo

TentacleTherapist [TT] answered memo

TurntechGodhead [TG] answered memo 

[EB] lots of fun

[TT] Uneventful

[TG] boring as hell

[GG] aww! I wish I could go to public school with other kids!

You frown. You're too bubbly and optimistic even for yourself. But you also frown because it's true. They have the privilege to go to a place with noise and real people and not be isolated. You wish you had that. 

The first voice you hear once the game starts is Rose. It's still not enough. 

The first person you see and talk to face to face in years is John. He pulls you close and hugs you. You pretend not to notice how he winces when you press closer to him and wrap your arms around his waist.

You're only 13.

You're 16 when you hug Dave and Rose for the first time.

You're 53 when you hug Dave and Karkat last. Dave kisses your head and says goodbye in the most broken voice you had ever heard before and you close your eyes as he leaves to die. It's silent again as he floats one last time going far far away from their reality. 

Your only 189 years old when Kanaya last hugs you and 190 when Rose leaves as well. Rose died of a broken heart and drunk herself to death before she decided it was too much. It was silent the next morning as you all gathered to bury her body next to the now one year dead troll. 

She never said goodbye. 

John and the others slowly lose interest in living over time and you can't say you disagree. At the 912th anniversary of Dave and Karkat's deaths, Dirk and Jake leave as well. Jake hugs you and says “goodbye grandma” as he kisses you on the cheek. Dirk hugs you stiffly. He was never good at human contact as it was but even now almost a 1000 years later nothing changed there. 

There buried next to one another. 

The cemetery is silent as you, Jane, John, Roxy and a small child clutched between the arms of the two stand there and watch the cold graves. 

It's another 500 years before you're left with another uncontrollable silence. You wake up sprawled across the floor to see Jane and Roxy dead, next to you. John is standing shell shocked with a devastated child at his side. 

At 2413 John and your niece leave too. You're left with underwhelming silence all the time now. 

At 4013 years old you decide it's finally time to leave too

You don't know how you lasted that long. 


End file.
